Wonderwall

The instances of me having a crush on someone as intense as this are so rare that I am at a loss for words and actions when such situations arise. As obnoxious as this may sound, I have always been the one to be pursued, or to be the person a guy would have a crush on. I've always had the power to say YES or even NO to someone; but it doesn't mean I have never been dumped. Oh, I have been - but that is water under the bridge now and I do not feel like talking about it because, really.. why would I even bother?

I am drawn to guys who seem to have something wrong with them. I am a magnet of douches and jerks who often turn out to have golden hearts inside them. The problem about me is that when I have seemed to tap that faucet of change in them, I get so bored that I need to get away. Or not. It just seemed like I have never been satisfied with what they could and could not give me. It felt like I was expecting them to save me, too.

If truth be told, I think that I always need to be saved, not from the vicious vices around, or from the people surrounding me, but I need to be saved from my uncanny way of thinking. I think too much, I over analyze things and sometimes I get so obsessive-compulsive that I need a steadying factor to keep me on my ground. There are also times that makes me wonder if I have ADHD or something because I have a problem maintaining my focus. I am a born multitasker, and I tend to multitask in every aspect of my life. Including having two relationships at once. I know, you're thinking "bitch", right? But I got over that. People change. For the better, yes.

In those years that I have been in a relationship, (hey, I've had only two serious relationships. I was never a player.) I have never quite thought that the day that I'd be imagining myself with another person would come. The idea of me swooning and waiting for some guy to notice me was so far-fetched that this makes me cringe. I'd like to think that I am a mature person, and admitting that I have a crush on someone is something that I'd be doing in a snap... But no. I could not do it. I could not have the courage to do it. I have this fear of rejection that I don't know if I'm putting up walls around me just so no one could enter. I have this idea that if I say it first, I would fucking lose my pride, my precious pride that I'm clinging onto as I feel like it's the only thing that is left of me now.

I want to save him. I want to know what is wrong with him and I want to make it right. At the same time, I long to be saved, too. I want to be saved. I want that someone to save me from myself; from the pits of self-destruction and my unending search for proximity. I want that someone to make me feel wanted and loved. I want him to make me feel like I am truly home and his arms are where I belong. I want to be with my happy self again, in love and free.

So if you are reading this, you know what to do.