Laserlight

I woke up with a start, nursing a hangover from last night. I had flaming shots, different types of cocktail drinks and lots of beer. I had a violent reaction on the pavements after that. While sitting on the gutters, hiding behind a Sportivo in front of the bar that I was in, there was a man who had violently experienced being thrown from his motorcycle because it crashed against a moving Honda City, slammed his head on the road and had blood gushing out of his head. I couldn't react on that as I was really contemplating on when will I get home and sleep the whole night, or morning, whatever.

There came the phone call.

To cut to the chase, I vaguely remember whatever it was that prompted me to say what I really want to say and voice out my feelings to someone who isn't supposed to know about it. All I remember is I have talked to two different people, the first one being such a douche, the second one, being the eager and supportive.

I am on the point of transition – from being the aggressive to being the passive subject in this situation. Waiting is not fun, really. I don't know if I could handle this, if this is really for me, or if this is just one of those things where something as serious as this becomes a joke to other people. I don't want to discover that I have become a part of a prank, or I have been the subject of it. I don't want to be played no more, I don't want to be traumatized again by being pushed aside like some rag doll that no one really wants.

I want it to be true so bad. I want everything to not be a joke.

But.

If everything was just an accident, whether it be on purpose or not, I don't want to be left behind again with tears on my eyes and bruises on my ego and pride. I am a strong person, and if this is just one of those times of pure stupidity and impulsiveness of other people, I think it is time to put up those fucking barriers and walls around me again.

Yea, you can go through those barriers just as easily as you have caused me to build them up again – but only if you want to.

Perspectives

Life's fun when you don't expect it. I could tell you my life in various playlists that I'd probably mash together, I could tell you that right now almost everything is going smoothly except for some few mishaps that I have created all by myself.

Life's fun when you don't really think about it. I could sleep all day and all night without worrying of failing on my quizzes (because well, I probably don't have one). I could stare at my crush in peripheral visions, yes, I could do that. I could go surf the internet with all my heart's content.

Life's fun when you live it. Living is hard when you don't know how to. It doesn't mean partying around, drinking booze and all that shit, or splurging money on clothes and shoes and bags or everything. Life could also be fun just eating the ice scramble you bought from the vendor at the corner of the street, without worrying if it's dirty or not.

You could probably think of many reasons why life could be fun, and just because your crush friendzoned you doesn't mean it couldn't be. Sometimes, we have to put up a fight and show everyone what we're made of.

Better in Time

It's very ironic to think that I am still such a newbie when it comes to introductions. I still feel like I am barging in someone else's stupor whenever I try to suddenly impose an idea in a sentence. I also feel like I am unable to organize my thoughts in a fashion that we were always taught in school. With this, I feel traumatized already.

I feel traumatized. I am traumatized. I am traumatized by the way the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended: The Red Wedding. Though I have read about the fate of the Starks before, it was still a shock to me having seen the scene enacted in a brutally repulsive kind of way. I still want to cry.

I still want to cry because I can still remember that feeling when I opened a chapter in the seventh book of Harry Potter and read that silver blood was coming out of Dobby; the searing and agonizing pain that Harry felt when he dug the tomb of the loyal house-elf in the traditional Muggle way. I feel that sadness I felt when Tonks, Lupin and the adorable Fred Weasley died in battle. Traumatizing.

I feel traumatized because I have never learned. Aside from being unable to give meaningful introductions to my gibberish thoughts, I also find it ironic that I would feel a lot differently now in comparison to my last blog post.

Amidst all the trauma and repercussions that the past events did to me, I can hear my mother's voice telling me not to show or give my soul to people even if they're my friends, and if ever my mom would discover what the hell is going on in my mind right now, I will probably, no not probably, I will hear her say "I told you so." in her high-pitched voice.

Trauma. What a funny word.

I feel traumatized. I want to get through this like getting through the previous ones. I want to be free from this kind of schadenfreude that I am feeling towards the people who have hurt me, including George RR Martin, for having killed a happy idea (yes, the Starks) inside me.

I want to fucking break free from this and love myself more. As the Italians would say, "meglio soli che mal accompagnati."

A little bit of paranoia

I can feel the boredom that I could always associate with summer. I am not a beach bum, or even a swimming pool kind of girl. I enjoy the outdoorsy ambiance of white sand and all that shit or the feel of jacuzzi on my skin, but I don't really experience the exhilarating feeling of the waves on my senses. I don't swim. I can't swim. Hell, I don't even know if I could ever learn. So if I am on a boat or a cruise ship and the universe conspire against me and let them both sink, I think I might prefer that I would knock my head onto a hard surface and die rather than try to stay alive by trying to swim with tremendous and futile efforts. Haha.

I feel so over bored, the kind of superficial boredom that one experiences when he has nothing to do. It is not like I do not have anything to do. I could clean the whole house, cook relentlessly, write everything that goes on inside my head, or drink a whole lot of coffee. I could go out with people and have a drink or two, or I could also try to exercise, or meditate or even do yoga. BUT TO NO AVAIL. I really feel bored. Didn't I say it already?

So, conversations as awesome as ice cream and pizza are always welcome, not only at these kinds of moments, but also everyday. In this time of jeje fads and Facebook mania, meaningful yet meaningless change of stories is very rare and very hard to grasp. Luckily, I found one. But among the stories that were shared, there were two pieces of information that I have realized: one - that I have amazing and loyal friends and two - people are not really what they seem. The one that I'd like to give attention right now is the second. (I might do a different blog post about the first as it really deserves a story of its own.)  People are not really what they seem. It is very true that not all that glitters is gold. People choose what to show you and it's up to you how you decipher things from that. The unfair thing that underlies in this situation is when you, as a person and at an educated one at that, choose to think positively about the other yet you are judged even before he/she knows you well.

The ultimate lesson is: be very careful who you trust. Never let your guard down. A little bit of paranoia would help, but don't overdo it. 

Post credits

For the nth time (I have lost track at how many times I tried to write again), I am willing myself to write. I am willing myself to let the words in my head swim through these keys. So here I am, really trying. As I am writing this, I am staring at my beautiful cousin whose eyes are imploring me to take a look at her while she's turning on every light in this house. I must resist.

For the last months since I have written my last blog post, so many things have happened. This post, I would like to dedicate to the apparent end of my freshman year in college with flying colors. Who would have thought that I still have it in me?

My "success" in finishing a topsy-turvy year is marked by different things, by ups and downs but mostly by the latter. I have lost myself and I am now on the process of finding it again, albeit uneasily.

With this, I would like to dedicate this year to you, yes you, you know who you are. This is a mutual dream, a long overdue one, for me to finally try to go back to school again with the hopes that I will live my true potential. This is a mutual dream: a dream that has brought us together; a dream that we have, for such a long time, been dreaming consistently, almost always the topics of our long conversations and the ending of our realizations.

Thank you for believing in me. I would not be here if not for you. You were there for me amidst all the indecisiveness that has once plagued me. You were there for me, encouraging me and giving me something that I could hold on to.

Thank you. Even if you will not bother to read this anymore, I still feel grateful, so I give the credits to you. Thank you. You will always be a part of me. We will remember each other for so many things, and this one is one of them.

Thank you for breaking my heart, for breaking my spirit, but most of all, thank you for the courage, the strength and the love for myself that I have rediscovered.

This one goes to you... The rest of the years that will follow, I will dedicate to myself.