Sober Gibberish

This is one of those nights that you wish didn't end, when you have someone to talk to and your attention is diverted into something that is not depressing. This is one of those nights when you badly needed a drink and you got what you wanted. This is one of those nights that when you end it, you did not expect it the way it did.

I am tipsy, not drunk, as I can still write with unwavering words.

This is one of those nights that you wish you had someone to share it with; one of those nights that you miss being with that person that you had in mind. This is one of those nights that you dread to be alone, as loneliness will come visit you.

I am quite sober and I'd give myself a 6 if I am to rate it from 1 to 10.

This is one of those nights that you wish you had the courage to not accept defeat, as the acceptance of everything that had happened is beginning to dawn on you. This is one of those nights that when you think about it, is just another same night with you.

I am having a major depressive episode, and the alcohol is not to blame.

This is one of those nights that you wish had come into your life sooner, because it if had, you will never have to endure this over and over again.

Sadly Written

I still miss you, you know. I miss you, too. Despite what you think about me, I miss you and your crazy attitude. Despite all the horrible things you've done to me and the terrible things I've done to you, missing you is still inevitable. The time we spent on each other has been reckless... reckless and stupid. We had shared so many things with each other, but the colossal thing that has been absent was the connection - inner connection. Our communication was so poor that we didn't realize that every problem we had was left tolerated, thus, unsolved.

Looking at your pictures makes me realize so many things: one, that you've given me a part of you. Two: I have done my best in giving you a part of me. Three: I've been brutally bitchy that I didn't give a flying fig about what I really felt for you. It was something that I really didn't know. I loved you, yes, but something was terribly missing that I haven't been able to grasp up until several months ago. I cannot love so wholeheartedly when a big part of me still lives in the past; in the past that was so precious to me that I couldn't let go of.

This is what you make of memories. Memories are like needles that pierce through your heart. Memories, like the beautiful things in between those menacingly painful ones that we have, are like dead stars in the night. Those are the memories that you don't know what to do: to remember or to forget. But remembering the times bring a lot of pain in my heart, as I am well aware that I've been such a great disappointment and heartbreak to you. This, this is what you make of memories. But then again, these memories have become a part of me, and while I think of the things that I need to do, I smile at the thought of your smiling eyes.

I am sorry. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry you've been victimized by my dysfunctional thinking. I am sorry that you've been a collateral damage towards my goal of becoming a better person. I owe you a lot... a fucking lot that when I think about you, I still cry.

I am sorry. I miss you, too, but I have to move on.

Wonderwall

The instances of me having a crush on someone as intense as this are so rare that I am at a loss for words and actions when such situations arise. As obnoxious as this may sound, I have always been the one to be pursued, or to be the person a guy would have a crush on. I've always had the power to say YES or even NO to someone; but it doesn't mean I have never been dumped. Oh, I have been - but that is water under the bridge now and I do not feel like talking about it because, really.. why would I even bother?

I am drawn to guys who seem to have something wrong with them. I am a magnet of douches and jerks who often turn out to have golden hearts inside them. The problem about me is that when I have seemed to tap that faucet of change in them, I get so bored that I need to get away. Or not. It just seemed like I have never been satisfied with what they could and could not give me. It felt like I was expecting them to save me, too.

If truth be told, I think that I always need to be saved, not from the vicious vices around, or from the people surrounding me, but I need to be saved from my uncanny way of thinking. I think too much, I over analyze things and sometimes I get so obsessive-compulsive that I need a steadying factor to keep me on my ground. There are also times that makes me wonder if I have ADHD or something because I have a problem maintaining my focus. I am a born multitasker, and I tend to multitask in every aspect of my life. Including having two relationships at once. I know, you're thinking "bitch", right? But I got over that. People change. For the better, yes.

In those years that I have been in a relationship, (hey, I've had only two serious relationships. I was never a player.) I have never quite thought that the day that I'd be imagining myself with another person would come. The idea of me swooning and waiting for some guy to notice me was so far-fetched that this makes me cringe. I'd like to think that I am a mature person, and admitting that I have a crush on someone is something that I'd be doing in a snap... But no. I could not do it. I could not have the courage to do it. I have this fear of rejection that I don't know if I'm putting up walls around me just so no one could enter. I have this idea that if I say it first, I would fucking lose my pride, my precious pride that I'm clinging onto as I feel like it's the only thing that is left of me now.

I want to save him. I want to know what is wrong with him and I want to make it right. At the same time, I long to be saved, too. I want to be saved. I want that someone to save me from myself; from the pits of self-destruction and my unending search for proximity. I want that someone to make me feel wanted and loved. I want him to make me feel like I am truly home and his arms are where I belong. I want to be with my happy self again, in love and free.

So if you are reading this, you know what to do.

Like, what the hell?

I am actually having a very bad time. Really bad. I mean, come on. Why don't other girls have allergies, especially on their legs, and I do? Why? I've seen an allergy specialist, whatever the hell you may call them, and her verdict? I am basically, basically (mental, if you ask me) allergic to every food that has preservatives in it. Like what the fuck? So I have to drink soya milk and all that shit, but because I am lactose intolerant, too, I don't get to enjoy milk as one would like to enjoy it. Ice cream, anyone?

Secondly, I am terribly vexed about the lack of things to do now that it is already semestral break. Hello? We've been on sembreak since the 6th of October and all I did was drink my heart out. I'm having beer abs already!! I wanna go to the gym but as a couch potato and lazy ass that I am, can't do it. . . Nahhh. I'll go buy a book.

Third, I am feeling so sick being on Facebook all day, but it's like a habit I cannot break. Social life, I mean, REAL social life, where are you??!

So friends, (and crush - oh, should I tell you I like you or should I just stay put and wait 'til you bang your head against the wall and realize you've got it bad for me?) if you're reading this....


TEXT ME! ASK ME THE FUCK OUT!!! OH GOD I'M DYING. HAHAHAHA.

TOODLES!

Wam bam, thank you

What can I do to make you love me?

What can I do to make you care?

What can I say to make you feel this?

What can I do to get you there?

-The Corrs, What Can I do?

Since I do not know how to effin extrapolate the ideas in my head, here go the bullets! Yes, bullets.

* Birthday celebration = one of the best ever

* Intellectual conversations = love them

* Feelingera girls who wear short shorts and sitting like sluts and stuff and all that shit = hate them

* Alcohol = sometimes it's really the answer

* Old friends = smiley face!

* Beer = miss you, beer!

* Coffee = books

* Being alone = could get used to this

* Pink = on repeat 

* Sem break = infinite boredom

I need a drag!

Hakuna Matata

It's good to be single when you're surrounded with good people. I haven't really felt better about having a non-existent love life with a special someone before... but things do really change and for once in my adult life, I felt really good about it. I met with my high school friends and it was something that I will always be thankful for. Even though I've been away for the past eight years, they welcomed me with open arms when I came home. :) I'm so really grateful. (They were my classmates in First Year HS.)

So naniniwala talaga ako, when God closes a door, He really opens a window. This time, the window is so big I didn't miss it! So, thank you friends! Thank you for all the laughs, for the unbiased advises, unbiased opinions, the brutally frank and honest conversations over beer or coffee and for being there when I need to be with people who can completely, utterly accept me despite my flaws and our differences. I love you! Here's to forever friendship! :)

I love you P!nk :)

At some point in our lives, we feel like everything is not going right. When times like those come, I always find myself listening to a particular song that would actually help me lift up my moods. From Lady Antebellum, to Taylor Swift, to Miley Cyrus (yes, you read it right); Motion City Soundtrack, Muse, Typecast, Amy Winehouse and even Lily Allen -- for the second time, P!nk saved me. Here goes my song for the moment.:)

Boredom discoveries

A few days left and I'm turning into a twenty-something girl (woman?) who refuses to adhere to the society's immature belief that girls like my age should go, get a life, and settle down. 

Settling down? What settling down? Right now, I'm in my first year of college, a long overdue one. I'm quite enjoying the freedom of being a college student, the perks and the stress that comes with it. I'm learning new things... quite a bit, literally.. But the most important thing of all? I'm rediscovering myself.

I am, painstakingly, enduring some twinges of regret here and there because I haven't done any of this enjoyable things before. I was maddeningly glued to a single thought that turned out to be so fuckingly retarded: getting there. If you know me, you know what I'm talking about. Here comes the but.

It's annoying, really... to be at this age without having the means to live my life to the fullest. It's annoying because I could've done this before, but then again, it's better late than never. Rediscovering myself? That's the juicy part. I discovered that I'm really into guys who have chinky eyes, and I'm damn consistent. I discovered that I could have a crush on someone without having to resort to pathetic little text messages that would give him the red flag. Lastly, I discovered that being friendzoned is the worst feeling ever. Hahaha!

Seriously, why am I even bothering to write all these? Well, birthday girl (that's me, having the birthday jitters and the fear of growing old, lol), you are so bored with the semestral break that you want to go kick ass outside.

On second thought... never mind.