A little bit of paranoia

I can feel the boredom that I could always associate with summer. I am not a beach bum, or even a swimming pool kind of girl. I enjoy the outdoorsy ambiance of white sand and all that shit or the feel of jacuzzi on my skin, but I don't really experience the exhilarating feeling of the waves on my senses. I don't swim. I can't swim. Hell, I don't even know if I could ever learn. So if I am on a boat or a cruise ship and the universe conspire against me and let them both sink, I think I might prefer that I would knock my head onto a hard surface and die rather than try to stay alive by trying to swim with tremendous and futile efforts. Haha.

I feel so over bored, the kind of superficial boredom that one experiences when he has nothing to do. It is not like I do not have anything to do. I could clean the whole house, cook relentlessly, write everything that goes on inside my head, or drink a whole lot of coffee. I could go out with people and have a drink or two, or I could also try to exercise, or meditate or even do yoga. BUT TO NO AVAIL. I really feel bored. Didn't I say it already?

So, conversations as awesome as ice cream and pizza are always welcome, not only at these kinds of moments, but also everyday. In this time of jeje fads and Facebook mania, meaningful yet meaningless change of stories is very rare and very hard to grasp. Luckily, I found one. But among the stories that were shared, there were two pieces of information that I have realized: one - that I have amazing and loyal friends and two - people are not really what they seem. The one that I'd like to give attention right now is the second. (I might do a different blog post about the first as it really deserves a story of its own.)  People are not really what they seem. It is very true that not all that glitters is gold. People choose what to show you and it's up to you how you decipher things from that. The unfair thing that underlies in this situation is when you, as a person and at an educated one at that, choose to think positively about the other yet you are judged even before he/she knows you well.

The ultimate lesson is: be very careful who you trust. Never let your guard down. A little bit of paranoia would help, but don't overdo it. 

Post credits

For the nth time (I have lost track at how many times I tried to write again), I am willing myself to write. I am willing myself to let the words in my head swim through these keys. So here I am, really trying. As I am writing this, I am staring at my beautiful cousin whose eyes are imploring me to take a look at her while she's turning on every light in this house. I must resist.

For the last months since I have written my last blog post, so many things have happened. This post, I would like to dedicate to the apparent end of my freshman year in college with flying colors. Who would have thought that I still have it in me?

My "success" in finishing a topsy-turvy year is marked by different things, by ups and downs but mostly by the latter. I have lost myself and I am now on the process of finding it again, albeit uneasily.

With this, I would like to dedicate this year to you, yes you, you know who you are. This is a mutual dream, a long overdue one, for me to finally try to go back to school again with the hopes that I will live my true potential. This is a mutual dream: a dream that has brought us together; a dream that we have, for such a long time, been dreaming consistently, almost always the topics of our long conversations and the ending of our realizations.

Thank you for believing in me. I would not be here if not for you. You were there for me amidst all the indecisiveness that has once plagued me. You were there for me, encouraging me and giving me something that I could hold on to.

Thank you. Even if you will not bother to read this anymore, I still feel grateful, so I give the credits to you. Thank you. You will always be a part of me. We will remember each other for so many things, and this one is one of them.

Thank you for breaking my heart, for breaking my spirit, but most of all, thank you for the courage, the strength and the love for myself that I have rediscovered.

This one goes to you... The rest of the years that will follow, I will dedicate to myself.