Of leaving and coming home

I went to NAIA two days ago to send-off my sister. As I am fascinated by airports and the interesting pool of crowd to be found there, I can't help but cringe at the state of our country's airplane hub. It was a disaster.

Our airport - voted as the worst in the world - is really living up to its label. The road to Sucat (the route to the airport) is currently like hell for travelers: the jeepneys are stopping in the middle of the road without flashing signal lights, apparently for loading and unloading. People cross the street on a run, ignoring the dangers of doing so and the vehicles are promising candidates of a Guinness world-record for smoke-belching.

When we got to the airport, the parking lot was so congested and disorganized. Cars, vans and jeepneys lined up like undisciplined kids with their bodies parked in a distorted line which would make you arrive at a conclusion that accidents may likely occur. Convenience stores were also present with prices that doubles that of 711's. Outside the parking lot were more people walking nonchalantly on the streets; oblivious to the rampant arriving and departing vehicles. A famous fast-food chain is situated at the arrivals waiting lounge and adjacent to it is a mediocre coffee shop that would make your cheap and local coffee taste like heaven.

We arrived at the departure area ahead of time. To my utter dismay and annoyance, just outside the airport building were more, yes, more people present, taxis running and traffic commencing. There was even a media vehicle parked outside that just made it worse. The security guards tried hard to contain the chaos as the crowd bid their love ones goodbye.

I ushered my sister to the passenger entrance and the lady guard reprimanded me for trying to explain to my sister what to do as it was her first time to go back abroad by herself. I thought that she should be considerate because we were not causing any delay or whatnot. The side of the entrance was so full of people that you will not be able to decipher which ones were going to leave or not. Moreover, the screen that displays which airlines are open for check-in were so small you had to squint at it.

I was appalled at how ghastly the service is. For me, the airport is one of the most important thing in a country as it is the gateway for locals and international tourists alike. It is the first thing that a traveler could see from up above while the plane is landing - and rusty roofs with car wheels of different sizes on top of them is probably unimpressive for most people, not to mention that piles of garbage are never a welcome sight.

As I love my country, I hate all the discrepancies that I see in its portal to the world. I hate that we cannot go inside and accompany our love ones as they do in other countries. I hate that it doesn't give a sense of good feeling; that it doesn't exude the smell equal to that of a shopping mall. I hate that people who cannot afford to ride a plane can't take a look of what's inside the airport.

It is very disappointing for me, I am quite feeling really dismayed for a long while now, ever since I get to see the airports of other countries. Though it may seem like I am putting down my own, I am also quite hopeful that the government can do something about it. I certainly hope so. But I only have one wish: please don't let me start talking about what could be found inside NAIA. You might hate so much.

Middle finger and heart in one

It is funny that I thought when I'll be back home, things are gonna be different. It's funnier when I discover that the difference is littler than what I've expected. I have told myself so many fucking times that expectation is the rust that would destroy all my hopes. It would take up all my courage, exhaust all my strengths, and fortify my weaknesses.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change that I have spent on you
Where have the times gone baby
It's all wrong, where are the plans I made for two


How could one continue on hoping and holding on when it's already hurting too much?
How could I possibly be that person who hurts another person and then one other person could possibly be hurting me in return? What are the odds that such situation shall arise? What would be the result?

I know it's hard to remember the people we used to be
It's even harder to picture that you're not here next to me
You said it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?

Things get scary for me when it's time to sleep at night. I don't sleep much... I just tell myself I do. I think a lot before I sleep and thinking doesn't help me at all. I have so many regrets in life, and I am shitless scared that this would be another one for the list...

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights. now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise


Oh damn you. You are playing me. My heart is not an object to be played with. My intelligence shall never be insulted. I hate you. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for being always the one having the power to melt all my defenses and then let me down in the end. Most of all, I hate you because I love you. I love you that it breaks my own heart just thinking about it. Oh damn.

Heartless people are people who, once, have loved too much.

Damn, again.

Casa Mia, Amore Mio

Hello Philippines!! It's been a long time since I've seen your rusty roofs from above the plane, your naked kids running along the street, your people who seem to suck up to everyone who works abroad, your dirty surroundings, and the most ironic of all, your grandiose and magnificent buildings that reflect the contradictory state of our country. Hear me when I say: I FUCKING MISSED YOU!!!! No matter how mediocre your airport is, how frustrating is the heat and the air conditioning inside, how ugly are the stores and how men stare at women who smoke as if they're sluts; there is no denying that for me, you are still the most frickin pretty country in the whole world! (Of course that is a bit too much, but hey, I'm just being patriotic. Our country is beautiful beyond words, it's the government and the undisciplined people that sucks.)

I still can't pretty much believe that after five years, I'm really here. I breathe the same air that my friends do and can ride a jeep and ditch tricycles. Seriously, why do they ask for a lot of money? They're a bit outrageous on their fare when you get to inhale all the smog while you're inside it. I prefer to walk, papayat pa ako! Hahaha!

At first I couldn't sleep because of the heat, or because I was jet lagged, but most of all, it just felt surreal that after years of hoping to come home and free myself from every nagging thought inside my head, from every agonizing pain, I'M REALLY HERE!!!!

So yes, three weeks and counting and I think I was culture shocked. I go out only on weekends, can't eat on fast foods, can't go to the market... can't fucking buy a toothbrush that is worth 200 bucks because that is waaaaay too expensive!!! :)) Nakaka culture shock ang presyo!

 But anyway, as the cliche goes: There. is. no. PLACE. like. HOME.

Hello June!

Things to do when I finally move on

Sometimes, there is a point in our lives when we ask ourselves questions that we can't seem to answer. Other times, we just let go of the feelings and try hard not to think about them... Many of us, of people who are hopelessly in love with love, we often stumble and get hurt. When these things happen, we ask, "why can't I move on?" But I realize, asking that makes no sense. So I devised a plan in my head and wonder about "what will I do when I finally moved on?"

First of all (sometimes this is the hardest part), I will throw his pictures away. I will delete every picture we have on my computer, eradicate all the online conversations, burn everything he gave me and be allergic to his name. What am I going to do with all those things? It will just make me remember his face when I see them. So, painful as it may, I will brave the odds and do it. 

I will delete his number on my cellphone and forget to remember every single digit. I will not drink and then text him words like "I love you" or in my most drunk days, "I hate you! Fucking asshole!" Of course if I text him and then I'm drunk it will probably end up like "Ihdhjgaytu".. you know. 

I will go to places we used to go and make new memories - alone or with friends. Maybe it will make me remember his face or the things we used to do, but hey, I moved on right? So I better get on with it. I will spit on the spot where he used to sit or stand and tell myself, "that serves him right!", convincing enough but not too much to make me feel the bitterness in my mouth. 

I will get a haircut, or a new hair color or just a fucking tattoo to symbolize my readiness to get on with my pretty life, or I could also have my whole body waxed or body hairs laser'ed so they won't grow back. Sometimes, the physical pain you inflict on your body can take away the pain you feel in your heart. But I must remember not to exaggerate or else I'll find myself jumping from the rooftop of his condo. Or some bridge. Whatever.

I will binge on ice cream because I wouldn't care anymore if I get fat and he'll be disgusted. I will buy lots of Swiss chocolates, or just chocolates; go to Italian restaurants and eat a lot of profiteroles and tiramisù, and the best therapy of all, I'll go fucking shopping 'til my wardrobe is completely new.

Those are just on the top of my list. My main problem right now is the how part. How to move on. How to forget all the goddamn memories, all the dreams we've built together, all the funny and crazy shenanigans we used to do. How could I love the place where we used to eat? How could I make myself happy while he's so enjoying himself in some girl's company? More importantly, how could I kill them or just completely wipe away their existence, much like Peter Bishop in Fringe? Hahahaha, kidding.

But seriously, how am I gonna get past this? I don't want to hope but deep inside... there's still that little spark that is wishing that things will go back the way they were...

In the meantime, I'll think of other plans.

To You

Some days I'm happy, other days I'm sad.
Some days I'm awful, other days I'm the best.
Some days I'm insecure, other days I'm brimming with confidence.

Have you ever felt so desperately low that you've tried every possible way to keep your energy up and then you fail miserably? I have. Many, many times. Just when you thought your day couldn't get any worse, there comes the challenge. Lately, the days are much of a challenge for me. With continuous struggle to find that happiness I so ever clamor for, I feel myself slowly losing my grip to the strengths that I, with much difficulty and lots of mishaps, have obtained.

There were so many unspoken words that I would like to speak now, so many emotions I would like to show; emotions that I have rarely entertained, emotions that I have never acknowledged. There were so many questions that I would like to ask, grudges that I have inside me that I've tried so hard to forget. After five years, everything is still inconclusive. Everything is still a waste of time. I have built up a wall to protect myself from everybody, but I realize, I've built this massive wall to protect myself from you, from everything you represent. They say, "the one who made you cry is the only one who can make you stop crying", and my heart has been crying for all the lost times, for the dreams, for the memories that have been etched into my mind, for the mistakes that I've been constantly doing and for the lack of courage. I have so much inside me, so much love bottled up for you. It hasn't been all rainbows and happiness for me, it hasn't been that great. One moment I forget, the next moment, my heart starts crying again.

I wanted to ask you, "Why?" just as you wanted to ask me the same thing. Why do you love me? Why do you keep on holding on to me? Why, if you really love me, did you do everything that has hurt me in ways you can never have imagined? I was willing to go so far.. I was willing to bet my whole life. You gave me nothing. Why, if I was willing to do such, did I do such a thing that has torn us apart? These questions were never asked, never been spoken. I gave you forgiveness without having thought so much what I had lost and what part of me has been wasted. As I ponder about it every night for the last years, I only know the answer now. I was hurt, too badly, that I now feel like I've been stripped off of a chance to have that happiness, happiness that you could only provide.

Yes, you were right, you triggered the events that has led us to this. Yes, you were right, had I been faithful, we'd never be here: wounded, heartbroken and idiot souls who are trying to take their lives back.

But I wanted to be right, too. I wanted to show you how stupid you were for treating me like you don't love me. I wanted to show you that one day, someone's going to see what I'm worth. In the middle of this love skirmish we have, you did see, you did realize, but you didn't really understand the magnitude and the gravity of what you have caused me... and I'm doing the same to you.

What happened to us? What happened to everything we have promised to each other? Is this really it? Why, why does it have to be you who has to be free? Don't I need to be free of this pain, too? Don't I need the time, too, to heal and really forgive and then eventually forget? I am in dire need of you, of that part of me that is deep within you. I am in dire need of my heart, of my heart that is left with you, that I can't give to any other. I am in dire need of myself, of myself that has been lost in you. And I can't do that, not without you. I want us to face this together, to heal each other, to overcome the biggest obstacle of our lives.

All I ask is for you to give back what I've been deserving for the longest time... to be the first. To be the first. Because whether you admit it or not, I have always been the second, the moment you told me the sickening words, "I can't."