To You

Some days I'm happy, other days I'm sad.
Some days I'm awful, other days I'm the best.
Some days I'm insecure, other days I'm brimming with confidence.

Have you ever felt so desperately low that you've tried every possible way to keep your energy up and then you fail miserably? I have. Many, many times. Just when you thought your day couldn't get any worse, there comes the challenge. Lately, the days are much of a challenge for me. With continuous struggle to find that happiness I so ever clamor for, I feel myself slowly losing my grip to the strengths that I, with much difficulty and lots of mishaps, have obtained.

There were so many unspoken words that I would like to speak now, so many emotions I would like to show; emotions that I have rarely entertained, emotions that I have never acknowledged. There were so many questions that I would like to ask, grudges that I have inside me that I've tried so hard to forget. After five years, everything is still inconclusive. Everything is still a waste of time. I have built up a wall to protect myself from everybody, but I realize, I've built this massive wall to protect myself from you, from everything you represent. They say, "the one who made you cry is the only one who can make you stop crying", and my heart has been crying for all the lost times, for the dreams, for the memories that have been etched into my mind, for the mistakes that I've been constantly doing and for the lack of courage. I have so much inside me, so much love bottled up for you. It hasn't been all rainbows and happiness for me, it hasn't been that great. One moment I forget, the next moment, my heart starts crying again.

I wanted to ask you, "Why?" just as you wanted to ask me the same thing. Why do you love me? Why do you keep on holding on to me? Why, if you really love me, did you do everything that has hurt me in ways you can never have imagined? I was willing to go so far.. I was willing to bet my whole life. You gave me nothing. Why, if I was willing to do such, did I do such a thing that has torn us apart? These questions were never asked, never been spoken. I gave you forgiveness without having thought so much what I had lost and what part of me has been wasted. As I ponder about it every night for the last years, I only know the answer now. I was hurt, too badly, that I now feel like I've been stripped off of a chance to have that happiness, happiness that you could only provide.

Yes, you were right, you triggered the events that has led us to this. Yes, you were right, had I been faithful, we'd never be here: wounded, heartbroken and idiot souls who are trying to take their lives back.

But I wanted to be right, too. I wanted to show you how stupid you were for treating me like you don't love me. I wanted to show you that one day, someone's going to see what I'm worth. In the middle of this love skirmish we have, you did see, you did realize, but you didn't really understand the magnitude and the gravity of what you have caused me... and I'm doing the same to you.

What happened to us? What happened to everything we have promised to each other? Is this really it? Why, why does it have to be you who has to be free? Don't I need to be free of this pain, too? Don't I need the time, too, to heal and really forgive and then eventually forget? I am in dire need of you, of that part of me that is deep within you. I am in dire need of my heart, of my heart that is left with you, that I can't give to any other. I am in dire need of myself, of myself that has been lost in you. And I can't do that, not without you. I want us to face this together, to heal each other, to overcome the biggest obstacle of our lives.

All I ask is for you to give back what I've been deserving for the longest time... to be the first. To be the first. Because whether you admit it or not, I have always been the second, the moment you told me the sickening words, "I can't."