Middle finger and heart in one

It is funny that I thought when I'll be back home, things are gonna be different. It's funnier when I discover that the difference is littler than what I've expected. I have told myself so many fucking times that expectation is the rust that would destroy all my hopes. It would take up all my courage, exhaust all my strengths, and fortify my weaknesses.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change that I have spent on you
Where have the times gone baby
It's all wrong, where are the plans I made for two


How could one continue on hoping and holding on when it's already hurting too much?
How could I possibly be that person who hurts another person and then one other person could possibly be hurting me in return? What are the odds that such situation shall arise? What would be the result?

I know it's hard to remember the people we used to be
It's even harder to picture that you're not here next to me
You said it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?

Things get scary for me when it's time to sleep at night. I don't sleep much... I just tell myself I do. I think a lot before I sleep and thinking doesn't help me at all. I have so many regrets in life, and I am shitless scared that this would be another one for the list...

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights. now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise


Oh damn you. You are playing me. My heart is not an object to be played with. My intelligence shall never be insulted. I hate you. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for being always the one having the power to melt all my defenses and then let me down in the end. Most of all, I hate you because I love you. I love you that it breaks my own heart just thinking about it. Oh damn.

Heartless people are people who, once, have loved too much.

Damn, again.

Casa Mia, Amore Mio

Hello Philippines!! It's been a long time since I've seen your rusty roofs from above the plane, your naked kids running along the street, your people who seem to suck up to everyone who works abroad, your dirty surroundings, and the most ironic of all, your grandiose and magnificent buildings that reflect the contradictory state of our country. Hear me when I say: I FUCKING MISSED YOU!!!! No matter how mediocre your airport is, how frustrating is the heat and the air conditioning inside, how ugly are the stores and how men stare at women who smoke as if they're sluts; there is no denying that for me, you are still the most frickin pretty country in the whole world! (Of course that is a bit too much, but hey, I'm just being patriotic. Our country is beautiful beyond words, it's the government and the undisciplined people that sucks.)

I still can't pretty much believe that after five years, I'm really here. I breathe the same air that my friends do and can ride a jeep and ditch tricycles. Seriously, why do they ask for a lot of money? They're a bit outrageous on their fare when you get to inhale all the smog while you're inside it. I prefer to walk, papayat pa ako! Hahaha!

At first I couldn't sleep because of the heat, or because I was jet lagged, but most of all, it just felt surreal that after years of hoping to come home and free myself from every nagging thought inside my head, from every agonizing pain, I'M REALLY HERE!!!!

So yes, three weeks and counting and I think I was culture shocked. I go out only on weekends, can't eat on fast foods, can't go to the market... can't fucking buy a toothbrush that is worth 200 bucks because that is waaaaay too expensive!!! :)) Nakaka culture shock ang presyo!

 But anyway, as the cliche goes: There. is. no. PLACE. like. HOME.

Hello June!