I
woke up with a start, nursing a hangover from last night. I had flaming shots,
different types of cocktail drinks and lots of beer. I had a violent reaction
on the pavements after that. While sitting on the gutters, hiding behind a
Sportivo in front of the bar that I was in, there was a man who had violently
experienced being thrown from his motorcycle because it crashed against a
moving Honda City, slammed his head on the road and had blood gushing out of
his head. I couldn't react on that as I was really contemplating on when will I
get home and sleep the whole night, or morning, whatever.
There
came the phone call.
To
cut to the chase, I vaguely remember whatever it was that prompted me to say
what I really want to say and voice out my feelings to someone who isn't
supposed to know about it. All I remember is I have talked to two different
people, the first one being such a douche, the second one, being the eager and
supportive.
I
am on the point of transition – from being the aggressive to being the passive
subject in this situation. Waiting is not fun, really. I don't know if I could
handle this, if this is really for me, or if this is just one of those things
where something as serious as this becomes a joke to other people. I don't want
to discover that I have become a part of a prank, or I have been the subject of
it. I don't want to be played no more, I don't want to be traumatized again by
being pushed aside like some rag doll that no one really wants.
I
want it to be true so bad. I want everything to not be a joke.
But.
If
everything was just an accident, whether it be on purpose or not, I don't want
to be left behind again with tears on my eyes and bruises on my ego and pride.
I am a strong person, and if this is just one of those times of pure stupidity
and impulsiveness of other people, I think it is time to put up those fucking
barriers and walls around me again.
Yea,
you can go through those barriers just as easily as you have caused me to build
them up again – but only if you want to.
