To You

Some days I'm happy, other days I'm sad.
Some days I'm awful, other days I'm the best.
Some days I'm insecure, other days I'm brimming with confidence.

Have you ever felt so desperately low that you've tried every possible way to keep your energy up and then you fail miserably? I have. Many, many times. Just when you thought your day couldn't get any worse, there comes the challenge. Lately, the days are much of a challenge for me. With continuous struggle to find that happiness I so ever clamor for, I feel myself slowly losing my grip to the strengths that I, with much difficulty and lots of mishaps, have obtained.

There were so many unspoken words that I would like to speak now, so many emotions I would like to show; emotions that I have rarely entertained, emotions that I have never acknowledged. There were so many questions that I would like to ask, grudges that I have inside me that I've tried so hard to forget. After five years, everything is still inconclusive. Everything is still a waste of time. I have built up a wall to protect myself from everybody, but I realize, I've built this massive wall to protect myself from you, from everything you represent. They say, "the one who made you cry is the only one who can make you stop crying", and my heart has been crying for all the lost times, for the dreams, for the memories that have been etched into my mind, for the mistakes that I've been constantly doing and for the lack of courage. I have so much inside me, so much love bottled up for you. It hasn't been all rainbows and happiness for me, it hasn't been that great. One moment I forget, the next moment, my heart starts crying again.

I wanted to ask you, "Why?" just as you wanted to ask me the same thing. Why do you love me? Why do you keep on holding on to me? Why, if you really love me, did you do everything that has hurt me in ways you can never have imagined? I was willing to go so far.. I was willing to bet my whole life. You gave me nothing. Why, if I was willing to do such, did I do such a thing that has torn us apart? These questions were never asked, never been spoken. I gave you forgiveness without having thought so much what I had lost and what part of me has been wasted. As I ponder about it every night for the last years, I only know the answer now. I was hurt, too badly, that I now feel like I've been stripped off of a chance to have that happiness, happiness that you could only provide.

Yes, you were right, you triggered the events that has led us to this. Yes, you were right, had I been faithful, we'd never be here: wounded, heartbroken and idiot souls who are trying to take their lives back.

But I wanted to be right, too. I wanted to show you how stupid you were for treating me like you don't love me. I wanted to show you that one day, someone's going to see what I'm worth. In the middle of this love skirmish we have, you did see, you did realize, but you didn't really understand the magnitude and the gravity of what you have caused me... and I'm doing the same to you.

What happened to us? What happened to everything we have promised to each other? Is this really it? Why, why does it have to be you who has to be free? Don't I need to be free of this pain, too? Don't I need the time, too, to heal and really forgive and then eventually forget? I am in dire need of you, of that part of me that is deep within you. I am in dire need of my heart, of my heart that is left with you, that I can't give to any other. I am in dire need of myself, of myself that has been lost in you. And I can't do that, not without you. I want us to face this together, to heal each other, to overcome the biggest obstacle of our lives.

All I ask is for you to give back what I've been deserving for the longest time... to be the first. To be the first. Because whether you admit it or not, I have always been the second, the moment you told me the sickening words, "I can't."

The Beyond Twenty Shore

There are absolutely nice things that go with being past your teen years, but there are really some serious setbacks. I, for one, is really feeling the most of them. What, you may ask, are those things that drive me into this serious realization?  For starters,

1) No more allowances. I think that maybe if I just continued my wretched education, my parents would give me money, right? NOT. As I am now perfectly capable to work and feed myself, I think I would have to take a rain check on the allowance thing. Only, this is not true, because I'm currently wallowing in the midst of economic crisis, ergo, I'm out of job. No income, and so on.

2) You get bored and crazy at home. It's not funny when your friends have their jobs because unlike you, they did have the nerve and decency to continue their studies. (Hey, I want that, too but because I do not have money, it's not my option at the moment.)

3) You start to grow up in the meanest, harshest way possible. I mean, c'mon. Lucky are those people that while they "grow up", they can really enjoy life. They can do what they pleases, eat what they want, party all day long, or just, you know, buy Apple stuff and brag them. (Okay, not only Apple.) It's no joke when you're the opposite. Okay.

4) You feel a bit depressed. Why? Because at this point in your life, early-twenties, you needed to have that edge of being a bit established and successful. When you were just 16, you were imagining that at this age, you'll have this awesome job, you had moved out of the house and you're living independently - which is not happening.

Sometimes, you feel like "the walking dead" because your life gets frickin' crazy and boring and then you find yourself having all the time to think about everything: rainbows, Jershey Shore shiznits, even watching Jersey Shore at home coz there is nothing left to watch...You wonder about what's with Snooki that makes her famous... and Louis Vuittons you cannot have right now.

Ugh. Time to go.

Mockingjay

The title is so bland and obvious, right? But it is also straight to the point and I kind of like it. For my second review (because I totally lack of other things to talk about, lol), I'll give my two cents worth about the third book of The Hunger Games. (Yes, because it's too mainstream, I guess. But I didn't want to watch the movie without reading the book first - just like a true-blooded bookworm.) Do not read if you do not want spoilers.

Mockingjay

Of all the books in The Hunger Games series, I like Catching Fire the most; which would likely imply that I like the third one less, though there were some parts that really made my heart ache. I chose to write my review about this one because I think I would go crazy without having said all my thoughts aloud. (At this point, what I mean is to write, as I don't have anyone to share it with.) 

Some people say it is rushed, some people say it's a disaster. It wasn't really that rushed in my opinion, but rather, there weren't really much pages to put everything on. A disaster? Not really. I think I should give credits to Suzanne Collins for conjuring characters out of thin air and introducing them to readers without so much a fuss. It was disconcerting, in a way, but certainly not disastrous.

I really like Katniss Everdeen, she's almost like the female version of Harry Potter: can't obey orders, intuitive and has a fair judgment. Unlike Harry though, sometimes I hated her for being so weak. But my perception of her weakness vanished when I was nearing the end of the third book. It was written somewhat vaguely but, being in the first person narration, it was perfect. I can actually feel her pain of loss and disorientation. Lucky for her, she has Peeta, who also has his share of ups and downs (I'm still wondering how he recovered from the blows he took), to lift her spirits up.

I think there are potential characters that weren't given enough attention, characters that, maybe, in the future, would inspire more books to be written. Sadly, they were left out in the last book of the series and it's all up to us how to characterize them in our imagination.

I'd give 3.5 out of 5 stars. This is a series I'll be well-remembering and re-reading in the future. :)

Jinx: A Review

Jinx by Meg Cabot

It has been a while since I've been wanting to read this book. The plot is actually interesting and the author is Meg Cabot - I know, I know. I'm like a teenager who reads books like this one. But hey, she is good. Even though the stories are a bit shallow for young adults like me, her books keep me reading until I haven't finished. This one, I have finished in one sitting. As an insomniac, reading books is what helps mo go through the night. It helps me relax and make my eyes tired so that sleep would come by easily. I've read it from 1 o'clock in the morning until 4 o'clock and a half... I know, it's a bit slow, really, for a 262-page book. I've read it on my phone, though, as it was an ePub.

I generally liked it. The story isn't really something that would grip you and make you feel like wanting more in the end, but it will teach you something. The heroine, for me, is a bit coward and gullible. That's her character. Maybe I liked the antagonist's character more, because she's strong and she doesn't like to be stepped on. But all good stories should have good characters, one that would stir sympathy and affection from their readers, or just like here, a guy that would make you swoon. I just have one question: if Asian girls like me read it, and from the perspective of the majority of us (I would like to think so), would we find the guy so helluva attractive with his American hair and American eyes? Because frankly, it is not my preference. But to each his own, they say. Either way, both the girls in the story are attractive in their own way, and the guy is like - yea, the guy of your dreams. 

I just hope there is a sequel to this one, one that would explain so much, because I think Ms. Cabot has left a lot for the reader to wonder about. 

So 3 out of 5 stars! :)

Mary Jane

Gustong gusto ko magblog. As in. Gustong gusto ko. Ang problema ko lang palagi, kapag nakaharap na ako sa computer, wala ako maisip na isulat. Writer's block? Hindi naman ako nauusuhan nun. Hindi naman ako writer. Ang naiisip ko lang, wala na yatang interesting na nangyayari sa buhay ko. My life is so frighteningly monotonous that I don't even know kung saan ako huhugot ng interesting topics.

But again, there are many interesting topics to talk about, like the frickin' impeachment trial, for example. Or the ICCs attempt at sabotaging Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago, or the Kony Project... or even the famine that is Africa and the hypocrisy that is the Holy See. Pero wala eh... hindi ko maisulat. They require a lot of research before I could put down indisputable facts. I don't wanna end up like a laughing stock for the few people who read my blog (if there were any, for that matter). So, see? No matter how much I wanna be noble,  chicken ako. Hahaha. The internet is a scary place, albeit, I find my comfort in this scary place.

Wow, nakakatatlong paragraph na ako. May nasasabi na din pala ako kahit paano. Ang hirap no? Mahirap sumabay sa takbo ng utak ko. Pabiling-biling. Hindi pumipirmi. Ang gusto ko lang talaga, kahit paano, mabawasan yung laman nito ( hindi naman maubos kasi ano na ko nun), yung medyo gumaan lang...

Kagaya ng epekto ng Maryjane. If you know what I mean.