Boredom discoveries

A few days left and I'm turning into a twenty-something girl (woman?) who refuses to adhere to the society's immature belief that girls like my age should go, get a life, and settle down. 

Settling down? What settling down? Right now, I'm in my first year of college, a long overdue one. I'm quite enjoying the freedom of being a college student, the perks and the stress that comes with it. I'm learning new things... quite a bit, literally.. But the most important thing of all? I'm rediscovering myself.

I am, painstakingly, enduring some twinges of regret here and there because I haven't done any of this enjoyable things before. I was maddeningly glued to a single thought that turned out to be so fuckingly retarded: getting there. If you know me, you know what I'm talking about. Here comes the but.

It's annoying, really... to be at this age without having the means to live my life to the fullest. It's annoying because I could've done this before, but then again, it's better late than never. Rediscovering myself? That's the juicy part. I discovered that I'm really into guys who have chinky eyes, and I'm damn consistent. I discovered that I could have a crush on someone without having to resort to pathetic little text messages that would give him the red flag. Lastly, I discovered that being friendzoned is the worst feeling ever. Hahaha!

Seriously, why am I even bothering to write all these? Well, birthday girl (that's me, having the birthday jitters and the fear of growing old, lol), you are so bored with the semestral break that you want to go kick ass outside.

On second thought... never mind.

Looking at things in a different way

If truth be told, I've never thought that I'd be, at least once in my life, a Lasallian. Lasallians had not-so-nice reputation in the province when I was in High School. When people started to use the word 'conyo', the first thing to cross my mind is the elite circle of Green Archers and Blue Eagles... and all the other people who were born with a golden spoon in their mouths. Being a typical 'probinsyana', life is pretty simple for me. I only go to Manila when needed. I think I kind of get culture-shocked when I'm in there. It's still pretty much the same for me, still.

When I was thinking of going to college, the first choice was UP, of course, and then ADMU (syempre konting pangarap lang, hindi ko naman afford yan. haha.). De La Salle University, or any other De La Salle campus hasn't crossed my mind. Who would've thought that I'd be going there, much more in De La Salle Lipa? I thought, "if I go to La Salle, it should be in the main campus." I stereotype people in DLSL.

Even now, I still stereotype them, hahaha. Some people will kill me when they read this. I'm not too proud being a Lasallian in Lipa, but I'm not ashamed of it. But then, the tides really turn... Sometimes I find it enjoyable riding the bus going to and from the campus. Sometimes, I think that the universe conspired to "make me go there". Lately, I've been learning to appreciate the flaws of the campus. I'm learning to appreciate that the professors, even though they disappoint me sometimes, have the Batangenyo attitude that I would've missed when I went straight to DLSU... Yes, maybe I said that the education is really mediocre compared to that of the major universities in Manila, but I guess it's just really it in the province.

Somehow, I am thankful that I am going to DLSL. I've met so many people. I have fun with my younger classmates in the school cafeteria, aka Chez. I learn to appreciate the value of water and clean toilets and hand bidets when we were deployed to a rural elementary school. I laugh at my teachers' Batangenyo jokes. I can speak with my Batangenya accent and no one will laugh; I can make references to private Batangenyo jokes and people will understand. I think that I'm actually enjoying.

But, again, I also think that DLSL is only a stepping stone for me. When one dreams, one dreams high. One aims higher... and I think that Lipa is not a place for me to grow. I think that one day, I'll leave La Salle Lipa and go into a much larger environment, hence, with different kinds of people. I think I want to go some place else, where I can answer questions without standing up; where I can wear my tattered jeans; wear my corporate attire in a smart casual way; where I do not have to wear hellish high-heeled shoes while going up and down the stairs and where I can make a smart reference about something far-fetched and then they will get me.

One thing is for sure though: I will never look at Lipa Lasallians the way I looked at them (oh, at us) before. My mind is now open. :)

Animo La Salle! CHOS. hahaha!

Of leaving and coming home

I went to NAIA two days ago to send-off my sister. As I am fascinated by airports and the interesting pool of crowd to be found there, I can't help but cringe at the state of our country's airplane hub. It was a disaster.

Our airport - voted as the worst in the world - is really living up to its label. The road to Sucat (the route to the airport) is currently like hell for travelers: the jeepneys are stopping in the middle of the road without flashing signal lights, apparently for loading and unloading. People cross the street on a run, ignoring the dangers of doing so and the vehicles are promising candidates of a Guinness world-record for smoke-belching.

When we got to the airport, the parking lot was so congested and disorganized. Cars, vans and jeepneys lined up like undisciplined kids with their bodies parked in a distorted line which would make you arrive at a conclusion that accidents may likely occur. Convenience stores were also present with prices that doubles that of 711's. Outside the parking lot were more people walking nonchalantly on the streets; oblivious to the rampant arriving and departing vehicles. A famous fast-food chain is situated at the arrivals waiting lounge and adjacent to it is a mediocre coffee shop that would make your cheap and local coffee taste like heaven.

We arrived at the departure area ahead of time. To my utter dismay and annoyance, just outside the airport building were more, yes, more people present, taxis running and traffic commencing. There was even a media vehicle parked outside that just made it worse. The security guards tried hard to contain the chaos as the crowd bid their love ones goodbye.

I ushered my sister to the passenger entrance and the lady guard reprimanded me for trying to explain to my sister what to do as it was her first time to go back abroad by herself. I thought that she should be considerate because we were not causing any delay or whatnot. The side of the entrance was so full of people that you will not be able to decipher which ones were going to leave or not. Moreover, the screen that displays which airlines are open for check-in were so small you had to squint at it.

I was appalled at how ghastly the service is. For me, the airport is one of the most important thing in a country as it is the gateway for locals and international tourists alike. It is the first thing that a traveler could see from up above while the plane is landing - and rusty roofs with car wheels of different sizes on top of them is probably unimpressive for most people, not to mention that piles of garbage are never a welcome sight.

As I love my country, I hate all the discrepancies that I see in its portal to the world. I hate that we cannot go inside and accompany our love ones as they do in other countries. I hate that it doesn't give a sense of good feeling; that it doesn't exude the smell equal to that of a shopping mall. I hate that people who cannot afford to ride a plane can't take a look of what's inside the airport.

It is very disappointing for me, I am quite feeling really dismayed for a long while now, ever since I get to see the airports of other countries. Though it may seem like I am putting down my own, I am also quite hopeful that the government can do something about it. I certainly hope so. But I only have one wish: please don't let me start talking about what could be found inside NAIA. You might hate so much.

Middle finger and heart in one

It is funny that I thought when I'll be back home, things are gonna be different. It's funnier when I discover that the difference is littler than what I've expected. I have told myself so many fucking times that expectation is the rust that would destroy all my hopes. It would take up all my courage, exhaust all my strengths, and fortify my weaknesses.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change that I have spent on you
Where have the times gone baby
It's all wrong, where are the plans I made for two


How could one continue on hoping and holding on when it's already hurting too much?
How could I possibly be that person who hurts another person and then one other person could possibly be hurting me in return? What are the odds that such situation shall arise? What would be the result?

I know it's hard to remember the people we used to be
It's even harder to picture that you're not here next to me
You said it's too late to make it
But is it too late to try?

Things get scary for me when it's time to sleep at night. I don't sleep much... I just tell myself I do. I think a lot before I sleep and thinking doesn't help me at all. I have so many regrets in life, and I am shitless scared that this would be another one for the list...

I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights. now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise


Oh damn you. You are playing me. My heart is not an object to be played with. My intelligence shall never be insulted. I hate you. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for being always the one having the power to melt all my defenses and then let me down in the end. Most of all, I hate you because I love you. I love you that it breaks my own heart just thinking about it. Oh damn.

Heartless people are people who, once, have loved too much.

Damn, again.

Casa Mia, Amore Mio

Hello Philippines!! It's been a long time since I've seen your rusty roofs from above the plane, your naked kids running along the street, your people who seem to suck up to everyone who works abroad, your dirty surroundings, and the most ironic of all, your grandiose and magnificent buildings that reflect the contradictory state of our country. Hear me when I say: I FUCKING MISSED YOU!!!! No matter how mediocre your airport is, how frustrating is the heat and the air conditioning inside, how ugly are the stores and how men stare at women who smoke as if they're sluts; there is no denying that for me, you are still the most frickin pretty country in the whole world! (Of course that is a bit too much, but hey, I'm just being patriotic. Our country is beautiful beyond words, it's the government and the undisciplined people that sucks.)

I still can't pretty much believe that after five years, I'm really here. I breathe the same air that my friends do and can ride a jeep and ditch tricycles. Seriously, why do they ask for a lot of money? They're a bit outrageous on their fare when you get to inhale all the smog while you're inside it. I prefer to walk, papayat pa ako! Hahaha!

At first I couldn't sleep because of the heat, or because I was jet lagged, but most of all, it just felt surreal that after years of hoping to come home and free myself from every nagging thought inside my head, from every agonizing pain, I'M REALLY HERE!!!!

So yes, three weeks and counting and I think I was culture shocked. I go out only on weekends, can't eat on fast foods, can't go to the market... can't fucking buy a toothbrush that is worth 200 bucks because that is waaaaay too expensive!!! :)) Nakaka culture shock ang presyo!

 But anyway, as the cliche goes: There. is. no. PLACE. like. HOME.

Hello June!